I have always been a somewhat sceptic when it comes to herbal remedies, especially if presented by some dude in a rainbow coloured T-shirt, with dreadlocks and ‘interesting’ sent sticks burning in the background – normally on a homemade clay ashtray, shaped as a hemp leaf.

There’s no doubt that there are millions of plants hidden in the rain forests around the World, that holds the key to a wide range of terminal deceases, but I doubt that their healing powers can be recreated in a lab.  And, perhaps we should let the real tribal medicine men mix the potions.  How do we even attempt to imagine that we can mix them up with our basic knowledge of these secrets of nature?

In the past decades, there has been an explosion of ‘natural medicine’ stores, all pretending to sell the real cure to everlasting life and beauty.  Somehow I doubt it’s possible to rebuild the mane on a evidently hair-infertile bald head, without making some serious hair transplant – preferably not from your other end … as this would give you a natural perm!

3 drops of this can cure your cold – 6 tsb of this powder will reinvigorate your sex drive – 2 tablets mixed with dung from an accent turtle, will provide you with acne removing paste – drink powder mixes for two weeks and you will lose at least 10 lbs (no shit!)

Well, to show that every person can develop herbal remedies in their garage, here are a few of my own recipes – still not tested and confirmed, but I’m sure they’ll work (ish).  Some of these were actually tested on my fellow scouts, when I was a young scout.

-- disclaimer --

these remedies are fictional and may cause bodily harm if tried please do not attempt to recreate any of these recipes and seek medical assistance if you have. It is not my responsibility if you do attempt to mix and use any of these fictional remedies.

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Blocked Sinuses

(still not verified)

First, crush a few acorns, preferably fresh acorns, using your knuckles.  Only the first few acorns will hurt, but then the pain numbs your knuckles.

The next step is rather challenging.  You need to capture a grey squirrel, male if possible, and milk its pee into a small jar.  Depending when the squirrel last peed, you may have to catch a second squirrel to get enough for the potion.

Mix it together until you have a green foul smelling paste.

The final piece of the recipe is to get half a cup of raccoon milk.  How you catch and hold the raccoon I do not know, but a good trick (if you live in the city) is to dress up like a bin, and then wait patiently.  Just make sure it’s not bin day.

Now, take a twirly straw an suck the paste into your nostrils.  I would strongly suggest you suck hard.  That way the pain is over sooner and you will only feel discomfort for a few hours.  Add a little bling to this process, and use a rolled up one dollar bill.

Insect Bites

Most nature freaks like Crocodile Hunter, Ray Mears and Bear Grylls all have different approaches when it comes to surviving in the Wild.  However, one thing they all have in common is the way they treat insect bites.  It’s a ancient remedy, which is very cheap and yet very effective … pee

Simply expose the area that was bitten and pee on it.  Sometimes, it may be difficult to actually reach the area, so ask your friend to assist.

If you are really stuck, attempt to catch a wild animal, like a skunk, and use its venomous pee-spray to calm the itchy sensation.

Funnily enough, you will never have the same urge to scratch an itch again, once you’ve had the pee treatment.  You will always fear somebody peeing on you, especially in public.  People just don’t understand these remedies.

Nettle Attack

If you should be so unlucky to fall into a small bush of nettles, or just brush the leaves of one, then you know that this can be extremely painful.

Again, there are a few natural remedies that can elevate the pain; the juice from the stem of the nettle … or pee.  Your choice!

Shark or Snake bite

Firstly, you shouldn’t be reading this blog post!

Secondly, you should seek medical assistance immediately … seriously!

Doesn’t even help to pee on it.

Asphalt Rash

Normally occurs right after a nasty fall, while riding your bike, skateboard, skates, etc.

Peeing on it will certainly clean out the scratch, but it will also sting like hell.  My old man used to say that this meant is was getting cleaned.  Might as well use vinegar or lemon juice, they are both equally painful.

Constipation

DON’T drink pee!  I would highly recommend eating a box or bag of prunes and flush it down with a jug of coffee.  For smokers, light up a cigarette, and flush it down with coffee.  Or, as my plumber said “use coke, it clears any blockage’.

Insomnia

It’s really up to you.  I’ve never suffered from insomnia, so couldn’t really state that I’m an expert in this area.

You could always attempt to watch a boring Canadian documentary or perhaps even the entire series of ‘A Shoemakers Journey’.

You could also read the entire encyclopedia of British history, watch Andorra’s World Cup (soccer) journey or Danish cheese making process.

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What are some of your herbal remedies or cures for bizarre bodily outbreaks?