Falling Apart

avengersdustGoing through a life altering event is utterly frightening.  It is hard to even explain what I was thinking and what I was hoping for. Impossible to truly share what happened, and each person experiences these events differently.

We might have been diagnosed with the same devastating (in that moment) prognosis, but we digest the news different and we try to make sense of what just happened.

Not just what we are going through, but part of us automatically think about the people that are close to us.  We worry about what is coming and how long we have left.  Our mortality is called into question.

It was hard for me to understand the situation I was in.

I was not in a dire situation being fed by nurses, kept alive by tubes, and I had all my limbs.  It was “just” my heart that was giving up or at least slowing down too much.  Something was making me weak, but I was not in pain.  It was certainly very uncomfortable and I could literally feel my body drain with energy.

I was scared, and still am, how I was going to survive this and how long I would live.

I’m certain some people around me, colleagues, friends and bystanders didn’t fully comprehend or believe what was happening to me.  It was invisible to them and many were far away from witnessing it upfront.  I had few visitors, and the people who did visit me saw first-hand how much if had affected me.

Many people fully supported my healing, but I could sense they some perhaps doubted the seriousness, and I do not blame them.  For them it was probably as surreal as it was for me.

It was just “heart failure” and I did not need surgery.  How serious could it possibly be ?

Mentally I was falling apart.  I was constantly speculating on what could have happened, why it happened and if I had let down God in some way so he had to punish me … or rather wake me up to realize my purpose.

It may sound far fetch and I have never been a serious believer.  It is times like this that we seek guidance and comfort in something higher, and I truly believe that my prayers were heard.  Otherwise, how can I explain that I have made an almost full recovery, when even my cardiologists stated that I would need pacemaker / ICD with 95% certainty.

I pray daily.  Not kneeling.  Not loud.  I sit calmly and pray for forgiveness and healing.  Whether I am in my awesome chair, in the bathroom or in bed, I pray regularly.

I made an effort to go to church on Sundays with my family, and have personal conversations in my head asking God to help me.

I have mostly let go of my burdens I carried around during the last few months.  I’ve left my fate in His hands and somehow that is helping me.

Slowly, but surely, I’m getting reassembled and it makes me stronger.

To the reader, and assuming you are also in a place of despair.  Don’t worry.  Pray to the God of your faith and believe that something will change for the better.  It may take time, and you will have many dark moments, but I’m convinced that it will improve.

We are heart warriors.  We have to stay strong and support each other.   But more importantly, we must have faith.

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