Happy Slapping!

To my left, Aragon, Willis and Arnie.  To my right, Dolph, Sly and Gandalf.  A few other kick arse heroes stood in the fringes of my viewing point, but they were all fighting along side me nonetheless.  We were forming the last line of defense, protecting the World from an invasion of no-good creatures.

Standing in the darkness of Moria, hearing the screeching sounds of the oncoming horde of undead and goblins (and a few vampires and politicians), made the hair in my arse tickle.  It was like a scene from any of the legendary living dead movies, directed by the zombie supremo himself, George A Romero, with the exception that this time we had all the firepower needed.  Time to show these losers that we were not afraid.

Neo made a few calls on his cool iPhone 7.  Suddenly piles of weapons and amo arrived at our feet, from out of nowhere – and then he just flew off.  Chicken!  Anyway, we don’t need goth boots and a black leather jacket, just to kick some serious butt.

I screamed “FIRE at will!”, but obviously some of the more selfish heroes had already opened up, and had started to empty their painkillers.  It was deafening.

To be honest, I couldn’t see anything for all the smoke and grenade blasts, so I just stopped for a second to shuffle my Volbeat albums on my iPhone 7 – fully controlled by my mind waves.  The sounds of metal made my eardrums clap to the rhythm, and I couldn’t help but humming along.

Suddenly, I felt a wet bump to my cheek.  I looked in the direction of the slap and discovered to my horror that it was an enormous kebab.  Where the hell did that come from?

I called a friend from down under, Casey Haynes, and he body slammed the super kebab, and smashed it into a sausage roll.

Still, the foul smell from the rotten food and lying politicians became stronger and stronger.  Again, from nowhere, another slap to my face.  This time, just above my eyes.

As if I knew it was going to happen again, I quickly moved my head, and knocked it against something hard.

I blinked my eyes and was all of a sudden back in my bed, next to my lovely wife.  Phew, it was all just a dream.  But, the smell from my dream was still there.

Slowly I turned towards the smell and noticed that my lovely 1 year old daughter was sitting right next to (and almost on) my face – with a dirty diaper.  That would explain the stench.

Cool headed dad as I am, I jumped out of the bed, frantically trying to clean the poop smell off my face, and ran towards the bathroom door.  On the way, I knocked my toes on the bed and stepped on some toys left on the floor.  The pain and agony was almost unbearable, but I was pumped up on adrenaline, and ripped open the bathroom door.

The smell slowly resided, as I washed it off.  I returned to the bedroom and grabbed the little pooper and changed her.  It’s amazing how much stuff can be in such a small thing.

Well, at least I got the chance to change the bed covers, and the little princess got new clothes on and we were ready to go early … much earlier than usual.  Too early actually!

As we were up anyway, I woke up the other two kids and dragged them downstairs, leaving the beautiful south American flower to sleep a bit longer.

Nothing wakes you like a wet diaper splash in the morning!


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