Dark Thoughts

It can be hard making my life normal again, especially when I consider that my life has changed and I’m not the lucky owner of a new normal. It’s a normal where my diet has changed, my prioritizes have been updated, family dynamics changed … everything has changed.

At first I thought it was all negative, but as I have witnessed over the past many weeks, this new change is positive.  We need to look at things differently, and more positively, otherwise we will constantly think dark thoughts.

My body is healing and that is absolutely awesome.  But, I need to make sure that my mental health heals too.  I fear that over time the experience will have scared me mentally, and that could lower a dark cloud over me all the time.

PTSD is perhaps not the right terminology in my case, but as I came close to my own mortality, facing death experience can create posttraumatic stress.  Not sure how it may present itself, but it needs to be dealt with.  If my mind is not healing or causing negative thoughts, then my body will suffer, as well as people around me.

I cannot let that happen!

Right now, I’m fighting demons.  Demons want me to fail.  Demons want to draw me towards the dark side, and away from my growing spiritual beliefs.  They want me to focus on several areas:

What if xxx happened

  • This sew seeds in my mind as to what I could’ve done better prior to my incident, and start toying with thoughts on what would’ve happened if I actually passed on.
  • My mind starts spinning and not in a positive circles, but downward spiral towards the dark side.
  • No point thinking about what we cannot control.
  • It happened for a reason, and the big man upstairs has plans for me.  I’m needed here on Earth, with my family, and my purpose will be revealed soon.
  • My body is broken

    • Yes, my body may have broken slightly, exposing me to the frailty of life. However, it is healing itself and getting stronger.
    • I’ve improved a lot in recent weeks, and that is positive.  More healing to do, but on the path to full recovery.

    Flying anywhere

    • This may take longer to heal and get better
    • My thoughts keep drifting towards ‘what if’ scenarios, where I’m flying to Amsterdam and somewhere over the Atlantic I have a relapse.  Part of me know that it may happen, but also that nothing will happen.  I have medication, gained experience and always good people around to help.
    • My cardiologist has given me green light to fly, but also told me I should aim at travelling to 1stworld countries to start with. Places where they have great health systems and support … just in case 🙂 

    Being alone

    • For the first 4 weeks, my doctors told me not to be alone, just in case I had an incident. That in turn planted another seed (evil seed) where I’m paranoid and need people around me.
    • It also affected my wife to a point where she demands that someone is near me – even after doctor has cleared me from restrictions placed upon me
    • I’m working on this, and gradually doing more stuff independently helping with kid activities, driving to do some shopping and starting to meet friends again.
    • It all helps me build confidence and I will overcome this fear

    Kids will witness something bad

    • The last thing I want to happen is for my kids to witness a relapse.
    • Again, I’m not expecting this to happen, but I would hate for them to see me being treated by medical teams, trying to help me.
    • It’s scary for me to experience, so I can only imagine how it might look for them. I want them to see me get stronger, and not worry about losing me.

    Over the coming weeks, I’ll be contacting shrinks to start working on my fears and dark thoughts.  I’ve never been a fan of shrinks, but have accepted that I need to talk this through with someone.  Someone who has not been directly involved, and who does not have an emotional connection to me.  Someone who can provide professional guidance for how I work through my PTSD.

    As they say in Deadpool, get the pity dick out of my mouth.  We cannot really live until we’ve died a little.  It may be cruel and harsh words, but bang on.  Part of me died during that experience, but I gained more life energy.

    I’ll keep you posted on progress, but feel free to reach out directly if you are looking for some help yourself, if you have experience a similar incident I have.

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