An entire family was devoured, with limbs and body parts scattered across the dinning table.  It were like scenes taken out of classic horror movies, you know Freddy or Jason style, but the air was filled with laughter and music – our local camp had their annual lobster fest and we were in attendance.

It was the first time we attended this feast and it was for most parts a very basic event; loads of lobsters, people bringing dishes and long tables where we all ate our delicious food, while laughing, have a few scoops (beers) and playing games afterwards.

Eating lobster in the wild sound for many as a great treat, but it’s not like eating it in a restaurant.  You don’t get it served on a plate as half a lobster tail or the meat already taken from the shell.  You have to fight for your own food this time.

On the plate in front of me was the oversized lobster, bright red, and still steaming.  It had been prepared as follows;

1. Fisherman drops cage in ocean.
2. Lobster walks into cage.
3. Fisherman pulls in cage.
4. Places live lobsters in a large plastic crate.
5. Live lobsters are transported from pier to camp site.
6. They are thrown ‘screaming’ into a large pot of boiling water and cooked for 12-15 min … then served.

Next thing I had to do was to get to the meat.  As I said, there’s no easy or clean way of doing it.  It’s a simple matter of adding some animal cruelty.  Not even sure it can be classified as animal cruelty when the poor thing is already dead.  Thankfully I was sitting next to a chef who taught me a few handy tricks.  The best of them was “leave your sensitivity at the door, you need some good old brutality to get to the meat”.

• Twist off the tail from the head – which will expose the innards and be prepared to have you plate flooded with water stored inside the creature.
• Rip off the arms – with a ‘gentle’ yank, remove the giant claws from the head, as these store delicious meat inside.  Use a proper lobster cracker or failing that, use your manliness to crack the shield.
• Stab the sucker – place the tip of a large kitchen knife at the bottom (end) of the tail, exposing the underbelly, and force it through the rip-cage, giving access to the juicy meat.

After having fought bravely to get to all the meat out, you are left with the carcass or in other words a pile of body parts.  It clearly outweighs the amount of meat you managed to get, but it was worth the battle.

Your shirt, arms, face, food neighbours and table will unavoidably be sprayed with body fluids while going through this ritual, so do not wear your best outfit.  And, this was multiplied by five as I had 5 lobster to dismember.  Needless to say, none of my food neighbours were impressed with my efforts – and my wife’s glasses were covered with some goo that was starting to dry up.

We loved the lobsterfest and are definitely going back next year.  However, next year I’ll be wearing a full body suit, probably hazmat, to avoid the gore spraying all over my Motley Crue T-shirt.