I originally found this somewhere on the net, just in Danish, and took the liberty of translating it and made a few minor updates.
The first post (this one) explores the female behaviors in this at times complex showering ritual.
The second post (this one) explores the less complex showering behaviors of a man.
Let me be clear, this post is obviously intended to be humorous, but it 100% accurately reflects all men’s shower routines.
Read this as if you are the man;
- You rip off your clothes and throw it randomly on the floor
- You walk calmly to the bathroom, and if you meet your partner along the way, you proudly swing the torpedo and make animal noises
- You look into the mirror while sucking in your stomach and holding your breath – all while examining the size of the torpedo, scratching your sack and smell your fingers afterwards
- You step into the shower
- You don’t borther looking for the washing cloth, as you don’t use it anyway!
- You wash your face with some suspicious looking piece of soap
- You fart and burst into uncontrollable laughter because the fart sounds cool in the echo of the bathroom
- You calm down again, only to burst into laughter again as the smell reaches your nostrils
- You wash the family jewels
- You wash the crack with the suspicious soap, which might leave a few loose hairs stuck to the soap bar
- You wash your hair with a no-brand shampoo … but it smells nice … and couldn’t care less about conditioner
- You shave your face using a Gilette shaver and the suspicious soap
- You pee in the shower
- You brush your teeth and spit the foam into the shower drain
- You rinse the soap off your body and hair, step out of the shower unit, not even noticing that the entire bathroom is wet … you had forgotten to close the shower curtain!
- You find a towel, smell it and use it
- You look into the mirror again, judge the size of your muscles and your torpedo
- You leave the bathroom without turning off both the light and the immersion fan
- You walk back to the bedroom. If you meet your partner along the way, you proudly swing the torpedo and make animal noises
- You drop the wet towel on the bed and get dressed within 60 seconds
The point of the story; men spend as little time as possible when taking a shower. It doesn’t matter which soap brand or herbs they use for, as long as we get clean-ish. The shower is one of the only places where we display the ability to multitask; wash hair, pee, shave and brush teeth all at the same time.