Always read the manual

Before you start any project, it is vital to read the manual – or at least skim through the pictures to get a general idea of what the end product will look like.

Many men, including myself, will only seek guidance from the manual if we have extra screws or parts left over or if the item looks nothing like the picture.

The same goes for any medical home kits you are asked to use by your doctor.

Colorectal cancer, or CRC, is a disease of the colon or rectum, which are parts of the digestive system. Unlike most cancers, colorectal cancer is often preventable with screening and highly treatable when detected early.

Most cases of colorectal cancer occur in people ages 45 and older, but the disease is increasingly affecting younger people. Each year, about 150,000 Americans are diagnosed with this disease and more than 50,000 die.

Colorectal cancer may develop without symptoms. If you are 45 or older and at average risk, it’s time to get screened

Colon Cancer Alliance

Your health is very important, so it is equally important that you take it seriously.

Our parents’ generation would only go to the doctor if bleeding profoundly from losing a limb, experienced abnormal growth, or suffered pain for more than two weeks.

It is unclear if they were stubborn because they wanted to spare the doctor from milder issues or if they genuinely didn’t believe medical assistance was needed.

As an example, my dad once stapled a 0.5inch staple into his thumb through his nail while fixing a sofa for a customer. Of course, it bled a fair bit, but he did not seem to faze about the slight injury. It was an inconvenience. It meant he had to replace part of the form he had installed.

He went on to dig into his finger using a slightly dirty small screwdriver, attempting to dig out the staple. In fairness, he was successful in his endeavors and removed the pin from his finger.

Afterward, he wrapped his bleeding finger with some old fabric that he lifted from the pile of scraps on the floor, used gaffa tape to secure it, and continued working.

As a 13-year-old, I was shocked and utterly impressed by my dad’s superpowers. In the hindside, perhaps not the wisest decision, but it worked.

DIY Health Kits

Some years ago, the rumor was that a Swedish doctor (of course, he had to be Swedish) successfully completed an appendix surgery on himself. Sounds unbelievable, and part of me calls BS on the story. But, whether right or wrong, he was at the forefront of home medical care.

The healthcare industry has increased home care and remote health monitoring services in the past two years. They ask patients to track vitals and treatment results to reduce visits to the office – and only be seen if abnormalities occur or adjustments are needed.

Colon screening is a new addition to he the home test options. You no longer need to get put under, and some godforsaken evil devices showed into your rectum to determine if you might have colon cancer, hemorrhoids, or other intestinal issues.

It’ll be a while before they offer prostate home test kits. It is unclear how they can educate men to poke a thumb into the butt hole and somehow squeeze a small gland to test if they have enlarged glands and, thereby, potentially, cancer.

Granted, you could send out cheap Chinese-made plastic gloves and vaseline, but the pinching technique is something that cannot be taught by testing on a small animal.

In the colon crosshair

They recently changed the suggested age to get tested from 55 to 45, so I am bang in the middle of the group that needs to get my butt tested. It sucks to get older!

I’m apprehensive about being sexually abused while undergoing this examination and will do anything to avoid getting tested. It is not natural to get a camera inserted into your butt unless you have an OnlyFans profile where you make money doing kinky stuff.

These days, you can conduct some basic home tests without any anesthetics. Yes, you might want to get some alcohol into you to make the test more laughable and relaxed, although not needed.

The “modern” test involves a kit shipped to your house. You have to capture a sample of your poop and return the box to the lab by UPS. Very simple, right?

Simple if you read the instructions carefully before you prepare your specimen!

It’s in the box

Marketing is essential to most organizations. It strengthens its brand recognition and will help the company become a trusted partner for customers if they seek specific products or services.

This is very applicable to ColoGuard, who provides the test kits, and they have become a trusted partner with many medical providers (aka doctors in laypeople’s terms).

ColoGuard makes it possible to avoid the annual alien probe by sending out these “discrete” colon testing kits. It is, of course, no guarantee that you will not require to have a lunar probe and camera inserted, but it allows you the opportunity to do some simple prescreening first.

  • if negative – you can breathe easy and get tested in a few years
  • if positive – you will need the alien probe, but now you at least know they are looking for something and not just some camera fetish
The holy poop grail

HOWEVER, they could have improved the packing and made it more discrete. Not every person is ok flaunting their poop in a box, and advertising to the mailman, the parking lot in front of the drop-off center, and the person checking in your poop, that you have fondled your poop into a box.

AND the mailman handling your package has to trust that you sealed the container and plastic bag correctly to avoid any toxic spills.

Winging a home test

My home kit was shipped directly to the house, which meant that the local UPS guy knew exactly what would happen in the little house on the mountain. The Viking was about to poop in a pot. You can’t keep secrets from the mail people these days.

I had no urgent intention or desire to complete the poop test anytime soon and left the box unopened on a shelf. But, like anything I do, I want to make sure I’m mentally ready to deliver, so I had to build up my confidence before sitting on the porcelain throne.

Weeks went by, and all that happened was that I gave the box some nasty stares, hoping to make the thing disappear. However, last week I received a ‘friendly’ reminder letter from my medical provider that urged me to focus on the box and get tested.

I finally built up enough confidence to carry out the home test and opened the box, where I was greeted with several sealed medical items; a bucket, a test tube, an oval thingy, and some glossy manuals.

How hard could it be to poop a sample in the container?

However, this is where reading the manual is essential. The oval thing was a seat and a holder for the poop storage container placed under your butt to catch the specimen.

The mysterious kit and user manual

I “missed” that crucial step and was now staring at the manual with a level of panic while I frantically tried to determine how to get the specimen into the container.

No other option than to scoop it up with my hands using Chinese-made plastic gloves, hoping the gloves wouldn’t suddenly snap.

The mission was successfully completed, and I carefully followed the next few steps listed in the user guide. However, it was not a fantastic way to spend my Tuesday morning doing some DIY science experiments on my poop and shipping it to a laboratory somewhere under the Rocky Mountains.

What are the real intentions?

Do they use my DNA to update the vast secret DNA library?

Will they attempt to clone me?

Perhaps they find the cure to COVID in my poop?

Will I get the credit if I cure anything?

Three minutes later, I had completed the failed step, sealed up the specimen, repacked the box, and drove to our local UPS drop-off center.

Again, the person behind the counter knew exactly what I was about to ship and reluctantly took the box. Initially, she asked me to place the box on the counter, visible to every person in the shop, to which I replied, “no way!” and forced her to take the box.

In the end

While I do not like to fondle poop, I appreciate the convenience of doing these home tests to avoid anesthesia and not knowing what they do inside me or if they have an audience. But, in the modern world and virtual meetings, do they live stream for a doctor to work from home?

The upside is that you will relatively quickly know if you have something going on in your intestines, and if caught early, the road to recovery should be much better and faster.

Furthermore, the proactiveness and quicker diagnosis can alleviate the anxiety that people might experience during in-person sessions.

It is essential to catch any illnesses as early as possible, as it will allow doctors to prescribe the best treatment plan, and chances for a full recovery will be favorable.

So, if you are 45 years old, order your Colon test kit, and prepare it from the comforts of your home. Simple, if you read the user guide.

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